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Can relationships survive unemployment?
[Update: My wife got a new apartment. She's moving out next week. It's killing me. Anyway, I think there is some good advice in this post so I'm leaving it up.]
Yes, they can. (Or not. My wife of nine years announced days after this post was made that she's leaving me, and the main reason is my inability to land steady, full-time work over the past two years. Don't listen to anything I have to say below because it doesn't work. I did all that and more, and it didn't save my marriage.)
I'd be lying if I said it was easy to be in a relationship wherein one or both partners becomes unemployed. It's not. It sucks, like so many other things about unemployment. Having been through a couple of long periods of joblessness and remained in the same relationship through both, I can speak with some authority on the subject and seen my marriage dissolve over it, I can speak to it.
How your relationship might endure the stress of unemployment (at least for a while):
- Think of your relationship as a business. You can add value to your household without a job -- that's why they call the class "Home Economics." Wealth has little to do with money. Find ways to add value while reducing expenses.
- Try hard every day. Your partner will know if you are slacking off while they work to pay the bills, and they will resent it. Do projects around the house. Take out the garbage. Look for jobs. Do something productive, though, that adds value to the home. Eventually, you might even stumble on something that will pay a few bills.
- Communicate. Tell all. Don't hide anything emotionally or financially. That's essential to a healthy relationship whether you're making a million bucks a year or living in a van down by the river.
- Respect yourself and your partner. One thing that tends to happen when couples face external stress (like financial stress) is that they start to snipe at each other. This does nothing to relieve the stress and infects formerly healthy relationships like a pernicious disease. Remember why you are with this person, what brought you together in the first place. Deal with the problem at hand -- together -- and don't let the blame game divert your energy from the mission which is to stay together and get a new job, in that order.
- Do stuff together. Believe it or not, there are a ton of free or very cheap activities that you can perform together as a couple or family. Walk to the park and feed the ducks. Pop some popcorn (real popcorn, not that microwave junk) and watch TV together. Go for a hike. Check out your local library. Etc., etc., etc. ad might-as-well-be infinitum.
- Remember your vows. If you're married, remember the "for richer and for poorer" clause. Nothing is permanent. When you're up, it just means something will knock you down, and when you're down, do what you need to do to pick yourself up.
That's all I can think of now. It's a good start. Come back for more. In the meantime, feel free to add your own in the comments.
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Comments
I may have spoken too soon
My wife told me she's leaving me last night. Funny thing is, I have a job now. She's mad because I made a dumb investment and lost some money... then I tried to hide the loss from her. That was the final straw.
Nine years we were married.
When life hands you sh*t, make fertilizer.
Oh, man, that sucks
Good luck. That really sucks. What if you became crippled? Would she leave you then? That sucks.
When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose - B. Dylan
what happened to....
"I, ___ take you, ___ for my wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."
Sorry Chuck...I have nothing to say to that except my husband has been very forgiving to me about my last two and a half years since I quit my job at the Acme Billing Service. I kick myself in the ass everyday and he tells me I can't blame myself for 'trying to better myself" because I left a job trying to "do better"...
Obviously you tried to invest to do better, if she can't forgive that, (and you're working part time just to work for God's sakes..) well,what can anyone say. At least YOU TRY!!!
Financial distress causes the collapse of many marriages-I've seen it myself too many times, and this "economy" will cause all too many more. If a marriage can't survive that, not sure what significance the vows would even have since some seem to forget what their obliging themselves to when they exchange those rings....I thought it through before I made my commitment-apparently my husband did too. Next wife or girlfriend: get someone who's love doesn't revolve around money. After all, it's two people, not "to love & to cherish and keep a full time job making only secure investments"...
I hope she was just angry and it blows over...
The funny thing is...
... we don't have "financial distress." We don't owe a dime and make more than we spend month after month, year after year. Yes, my professional career is in a rough spot, but we've still got it better than a damn lot of people. She's pissed off about the fact that she's earning twice as much as I am, without realizing that in six out of nine years of our marriage, I earned twice as much as she did.
She's really ungrateful, but one tries to accept people's flaws, you know? Everybody has them. God knows I do.
When life hands you sh*t, make fertilizer.
Update: Maybe she'll stay
I wouldn't say things are going well right now, but they're getting a little better.
When life hands you sh*t, make fertilizer.
Unemployment Hurts Marriage
Times are tough for a lot of people now. Opportunities for employment are slim to none. People are deep in debt and there are homes being foreclosed in record numbers every month now. Unfortunately, marriages are the next statistic to rise in record numbers. I know how it feels to be without a job and have a marriage crumble before my eyes every day. There is no way to understand it, or even how to communicate your feelings about it. One thing for sure, you are not alone. It is neither your fault or mine. If our wives should leave us when we are down on our luck, maybe our marriages weren't what we thought they were in the first place. Life is cyclical. There will be some good times and some bad times throughout the course of life - or better yet, through the course of marriage. Right now, it's bad. Our careers may be over. Our marriages may be over! Let's look ahead! It's gonna eventually get better and we'll be back at work. The question becomes, when it does get better, will we want these same wives back that ran out when the chips were down? Probably not!
Thanks
It still hurts like hell. I mean, it physically hurts. Never have I been in so much pain as when someone to whom I have given so much, with whom I have shared so much, tells me it's over. She doesn't love me. Maybe she never loved me. Plus a few really mean, nasty things thrown in that pick at the raw, exposed essence of my issues. This fucking hurts. I wouldn't wish it on George W. Bush, and I'm none too fond of him.
Some of the sting is taken off by your comment. You're right. Look forward.
When life hands you sh*t, make fertilizer.
If you haven't tried it,
If you haven't tried it, marriage counseling can help ... if you're right for each other. If that's too expensive, try the book, The 7 principles for making marriage work. I also really recommend non-violent communication methods ... see http://www.cnvc.org/
Unemployment is one reason
Unemployment is one reason why there are married couple separated. It is because they are tired of telling their partner to search for a job to be able to sustain their needs. What could they do if they are really searching for job and there is no job for him/her. It is not that easy to find a good job. But you can face this problem. You both can think of a good business and manage it. This could be one of the best solution for this problem. If you do not have any money to make a capital to your business then have a a rev="vote for" title="Don’t forget these top 10 overlooked tax deductions" href="http://personalmoneystore.com/Payday-Loans/ ">payday loans and start a new business.
Unemployment drives people
Unemployment drives people nuts. That's the fact. Not being able to find a new job makes people so nervous that it's hard to have any normal conversation with them. All kind of fun stuff we do were gone. No money for entertainment. The relationship eventually loses purpose and we both go back to the dating sites because without a job, that's the only place we meet people. Shitty story!