I agonized over whether to post this because I don't want to embarrass anyone, but I already told this person that their resume was the worst I had ever seen. As long as I don't mention them by name, they shouldn't mind my using their learning experience to help others.

The candidate in question was a VP-level executive at a major financial firm who has been job hunting since spring. They are not looking for something in the financial services industry -- a pragmatic and intelligent course of action. All the good spots in finance are taken right now, and with the glut of available human resources, time spent searching for these types of jobs is time wasted in most cases.

(I'm going to do this as a dialog because it just works better that way.)

ME: Great, so you've chosen to go into a new field. How about tailoring your resume toward that goal?

PERSON: But I've been in finance for my entire 17-year career.

ME: So what? So what if you've been with Robbem, Cheatem and Lye for the past 10 years and spent seven years before that slogging away for MT Bank?

PERSON: None of that has anything to do with my dream of starting a chain of falafel restaurants.

ME: That is no excuse for your resume to suck so bad. Your skills still translate. You can slice and dice data. You can perform complex calculations. You know how to coordinate cross-functional projects, manage people, and play organizational politics. You know how to read a balance sheet. You know business in general. You know a lot.

PERSON: Doesn't my resume show that?

ME: No, your resume is four single-spaced pages of bullshit written in font so small that I don't even want to attempt to read it. Frankly, it looks like you're trying to hide something, obfuscate -- like you don't want me to read it. This is a CV, not War and Peace.

PERSON: But I really did do all that.

ME: I'm sure you did, but as a lender or investor, I don't care what you did. I don't need five fluffy bullet points on every project you ever worked on.

(quoting) "Interfaced with SMV team on development of new derivatives-based investment vehicles designed to produce high returns for fixed-income investors."

What the fuck is that? Who cares? Is SMV some internal thing, because I've never heard of it.

PERSON (sheepish): Yeah, SMV stands for (something moronic and verbose). I guess I should have expanded on that.

ME: NO! Don't expand anything.

PERSON: So what do you recommend?

ME: Tell me what you accomplished, not what you did. And make it good.

PERSON (nodding): OK, that works.

ME: Emphasize your skills so that I can get a handle on what you can accomplish going forward.

PERSON: But I listed...

ME: ...Yeah, I see that. That list is way too long. Makes you look like a Jack off all trades and a master of bullshit.

PERSON (offended): But I really do have all those skills!

ME: I'm sure you do, but I only care about the ones that translate to your ability to run a chain of falafel restaurants.

PERSON: OK.

ME: And for God's sake, cut the corporatese! You get one "drove value" only on the condition that you can tell me exactly how much value you drove. You get one "leveraged" if and only if it imbued you with Herculean power. You get one "cross-functional" only if it includes a fully ratified peace treaty between the whack jobs in Creative and the boner boys in IT. You feel me?

PERSON: Like a prostate examination.

ME: Good (flicking pages back across the desk where they scatter) I'm looking forward to the next draft.
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(OK, so I embellished a bit... not much, though.)

The point is, even if you have a long and accomplished career and an impressive set of skills, you need to distill it down to the points that will be relevant to your objective. And you'd better not put an objective statement at the top of your resume or I will fillet your butt and serve it to you on a platter!

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