I may not be very good at getting jobs for myself these days, but I have written resumes that have helped others land jobs for which they were probably under-qualified. The curse of the writer is that to really be one, you have to go all-in, which hurts you in the face-to-face world. You can't revise what you've said in an interview without looking foolish. With writing, nobody ever has to know how atrocious the first draft may have been. At any rate, I know how to write a resume that kicks ass and takes names, and I'd like to pass that knowledge along, free of charge.

The first thing you should know about writing a kick-ass resume is that a lot of the conventional wisdom is just plain wrong. Less is more, and objective statements summarily suck. Everybody knows your objective -- to get a frickin' job. Don't waste space telling them that with some bullshit flowery words. If you must write an objective statement, don't call it that. Write it like this, right at the top of your resume:

Seeking a position as a (whatever the position that you're applying for is), utilizing the following skills and experience:

(Follow that with a concise list of your skills and experience because that's all anybody cares about. If possible, copy the required skills directly from the job description and paste them right in there.)

Step Two: Professional Experience -- Keep it general. (I told you it would fly in the face of conventional wisdom.) You can throw a few big numbers in there if they're really impressive (i.e., "Doubled annual sales of Brand X from $40 million to $80 million in two years"), but the long list of accomplishments for each position doesn't even get skimmed because everybody knows it's bullshit. Tell them where you worked, what your position was, how long you worked there, and what you accomplished if it was at all impressive. Don't bother with duties. Nobody cares what your duties were, and they can guess at any rate.

Step Three: Education -- Again, keep it general. If you graduated summa cum laude, say that. If not, just STFU. Nobody cares about your 3.7 GPA or your membership in Krappa Krappa Pie.

Step Four: Finish with a flourish. I like to put my unique skills that may or may not be relevant to the position at the bottom of the page. You never know when someone will be impressed with your Certified Expert status as a Space Planner.

Finally, your resume should consist of one hard-hitting page, unless you are a rock star, in which case it should be shorter, nothing more than a link to a web-based multimedia presentation that makes you look like God's gift to your industry and demands huge amounts of money in exchange for the right to possibly consider hiring the likes of you.

I'm telling you right now, these are the resumes that get interviews. Try it for your next five applications. If you don't get one interview, I will personally re-write your resume for only $30, a 90 percent discount.

Don't waste your time applying unless you have a resume that kicks ass. It's that simple.

If you still need help writing a kick-ass resume, try this. (Disclosure: I stand to gain financially if you purchase that product through that link.)